News from the Business World

News from the Business World


1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps

the building standing. Its called the stock market.


2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now

being called Wal-Mart Street.


3. The difference between a pigeon and an investment banker.

The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.



4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las

Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!


5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the

left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.



6. I want to warn people from Nigeria. if you get any emails from

Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it.


7. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my

checks is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether

that refers to mine or the bank's...



New Stock Market Terms


CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.


CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.


BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an

investment banker to mistake himself for a financial genius.


BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no

allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.


VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as

the market keeps crashing.


BROKER -- What my broker has made me.


STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.


StOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock..


STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets

equally between themselves.



FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.


MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.


CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears

down the toilet.


YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240

per share.


WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought

Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who should be now

locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

Stimulus is where the government gives a smidgen of your tax dollars back

to you, making you feel so good about yourself that you want to run out to

Wal-Mart and buy a new Chinese-made HDTV and go home and watch Telemundo.